It can only be what it is...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Instant Nirvana-just add internet

Every now and again I find myself surfing the web, looking for that elusive blog post, free download,website or whatever that for some odd reason I think is going to reach out of my monitor slap me across the face like a wet fish and voila ! I will be enlightened.
Not really sure why , it may have to do with he age we live in and the expectation that everything is just one click away, the internet like the universe so vast and rich, and impossible to explore every corner and yet it's allure must compare some days to the explorers of old, peering into a deep dark forest wondering what will they find within.
Realistically though it does seem to hamper my decision to follow one path specifically as I am able to find so much information on so many different styles of Buddhism and every style has it's merits.
I would assume that many people found themselves ( literally and physically) within a certain tradition because it was the only one offered at a certain time and space. All roads lead to Rome or in this case Nirvana, but still does the view on the road make a difference?
Is it better or just different. longer or a shortcut. A lot depends on the individual I guess.

Friday, October 29, 2010

One battle won, on to the next

After a protracted battle to obtain proper services for my daughter, I think finally things are maybe shaking loose.My optimism tends to overshadow here as I always want to believe people will do the right thing. Sometimes to you need to corral them into it, sometimes pressure them.
You would have to know that my youngest has Angelman Syndrome. A chromosomal deletion -referred to as a micro deletion( we're talking really small) that left her with Epilepsy and a global developmental delay.
In Canada we have Medicare, which means that our tax dollars fund our health care system so technically there are no fees, and should you have special needs those too are met free of charge.
The downside is the system is underfunded for the demands on it, and it usually means waiting lists and battling to get your requests in and approved.
It is after battling yet once again that we have secured a much needed restraint system for our car as the standard seat belt is inadequate and booster seat too small.
 It is fatiguing to say the least having to always approach everything like Sun Tzu's Art of War in order to get services that are owed to us in the first place.
I can't imagine how those to the South of us in the United States cope with the medical bills and special needs equipment cuz' God knows they ain't cheap !
Anyway battle won, preparing for the next engagement- adapting our home for her wheelchair.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Today was good

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Mind under control, exuding the behavior that we want our daughter to mimic and giving her the reins to hold on for her behavior seems to have worked. I am enough of a realist to know that this was just one day, and a small victory at best but hope still springs eternal. The real test will be after a week-end of dance classes, sleepovers, and homework -projects to see if Monday morning awakens Godzilla in our home or whether we have Snow White and chirping whistling birds. OK I admit I like juxtaposition and dichotomies.
Oh well...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lost it, then found something

Had a not so proud moment today, my temper got the better of me and I really let it fly. The kind of temper that used to make me cringe when my Dad got angry and lost it. What kinds of surprises me is that I have tried so hard to not be my Dad. In a lot of ways I have succeeded in breaking some of the behavior I was exposed to. Although every now and again a situation arises that fans the flames, and I really let it fly. It's instantly regrettable and yet there are times where I can see it and I put on the brakes and avoid it ,but sadly today was not one of those moments.
I need help to channel these moments, something concrete,  a method to allow me to make a division or separate the issue from my reaction and step back. The suffering created by my anger is so reflected back at me, the challenge I face is not letting other people's anger (not to name drop but a certain pre-teen daughter comes to mind) ignite that flame in me and set me ablaze. Wow that was a tad dramatic, guess she gets that from me too.
So in the end I found the distaste I needed for getting rid of this anger. I know that it is an uphill climb as I feel a certain genetic pre-programming for it , but with all the might I can muster I am going to finally but this to rest.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monkey Mind, Pain and anesthesia

Today while driving home I had this fantastic idea , theme for a blog post , and once I get home , get my youngest off the bus, plan supper and get everything underway and have a moment to actually type something up for my blog... I can't remember for the life of me what I had wanted to say.
Not a senior moment, more of a spur of the moment thing it seemed important but must have been just a flash in the pan. Oh well, monkey mind I guess.
Oh yeah, I remember , I heard a lyric on the radio 'bout feeling no pain. Made me think that even no pain is pain. Even for the self medicating crowd, the feeling of no pain, getting to that point, their concern immediately turns to worrying about the wearing off of the anesthesia. 
Never ending.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fear, ( We are what we think!)

It's amazing what fear can do.It cripples, renders someone emotionally sterile and often is misconstrued by the one with the fear and those that it is projected on.
It does stem back to the giant misconception of self that we all have, and that we can control everything around us. It's been my experience and still continues to surprise me that we are what we think. The person that is fearful eventually self fulfills that prophecy and bad things happen.  There is a need to unlearn our fearful attitudes from our parents(or from whomever they had originated) and move forward,
Does it mean that bad things will never happen, Of course not ! but how you handle them when they do happen is of paramount importance.  Life can only be lived in the now, the past is done, future hasn't happened yet so there is only the now.
A monk had asked his master the following :
Q. Where am I?

A. I will refer to the I you still think you are and not that I whom I just told you you were; as if you had grasped my last answer you would not have asked this.

Tell me, are your lungs part of you?

Monk. Of course.

Master. Then may I ask you what you would rather I took away from you; your lungs or all the air?

Monk. I cannot separate them, now I realize master!

This self we think we are is separate and inseparable both are needed just as lungs serve no purpose without air and air without lungs to process the air, being fearful for something that hasn't happened serves no purpose, and once it has happened it has already passed, therefore the fear still serves no-one.
That is my Sunday diatribe for today.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sitting in rush hour traffic for a good reason.

Off to a meeting , my youngest daughter has been selected for a free trip to Walt Disney. The whole thing is sponsored by Air Canada. In less than a month she gets to board a plane with roughly 150 other kids for a full day in Orlando. Only catch, no parents and the trip is one day only. Departure at 05:30 and back around midnight, or 1 A.M.
But she deserves it,

Sunday, October 3, 2010


The state of anger, irritation, judgement, fear are all part and parcel of anger it seems.
For a lot of people(myself especially included) it's done out of habit. That and the feeling of being right.
In some ways that's probably why I get angry. I now am starting to realize the how and why it is sometimes satisfying , as it strengthens the sense of self.
Spinning the wheels(hey that's a good name for a blog !) , imagining the past and future most certainly stirs up the pot. Haven't we all got angry about things we imagine someone will do ? I know I have.
We end up projecting that feeling of anger,pain and it bounces right back at us.
My relationship with my daughter is an example of this. The two of us have spent an inordinate amount of time projecting at each other, pain ,fear, worry.
It bounces off of me unto her and back to me in a quasi ping-pong game of emotions. The feeling of suffering afterward for both of us is extreme and incredibly fatiguing.
At least she and I have have to some sort of terms lately ( OK maybe me more than her at this point, but I'll digress) but it's a start. She has even agreed to sit with me when her stress is getting to high.
A good sign I think...

Friday, October 1, 2010

If Only Mind

Been reading a lot lately , and I was reading a small book by Jack Kornfield where he is talking about hindrances to home practitioners and the If only mind rang true to me.
You know it too, we all do, things would be better if only... had a better job, car, more money ... the list goes on and on.
It all harks back to desire and self. What's around us is of no consequence, whether we have tons of stuff, or not, internally we are prone to wanting , desiring  'cuz what we got is never enough.
Something to work on...